Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
