did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
