i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
