Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
