there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
