Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
