im six kinds of drunk right now
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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