new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
