Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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