No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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