Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
