I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
