Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
