Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So vagazzling was a success
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
