My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
