I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So squirting runs in the family.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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