I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
