I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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