I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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