im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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