I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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