There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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