I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i drank out of a bidet.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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