I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
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He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize