While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
