Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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