Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
