What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I need moral support for this bender
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
