you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
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When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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