I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
