your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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