Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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