Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
