Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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