someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
