i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
