I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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