This is not my ceiling
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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