so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
