Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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