the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
