apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
