I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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