everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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