the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
