My liver just broke up with me...
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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