The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
