I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
