He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
