I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
