its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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