Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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