Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
