i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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