Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
