The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
